Apologies

I must apologise for letting this blog go by the waste side a little. I have been distracted with photography work and have been busy editing and creating photo albums. I have also been back at work this past week and with Oliver starting nursery then the days have been a bit manic to say the least.

I have been doing the odd bit of writing and posting on my wordpress account....but its mainly jumbled words which I call stories and poems. :)

Everything is great here, things are moving steadily forward. I still have my moments, like hiding out and crying at work in the toilet, or getting angry at the injustice of this ride that I call life! But....we have been enjoying ourselves running around after our handful of fur, Harry. He is such a lovely character already, he is so so cute which is probably a good thing, because it gets him out of trouble.

He loves biting things up, in particular he loves my boots! Naughty Dog!

Oliver started nursery in the week and he is doing well. He has been impressing them with his numbers and letters, but also with his running...he loves to run, constantly. We do remind him about NOT running indoors in case he gets hurt, but he loves to BOLT everywhere! We generally end up with bumps and bruises when he falls...AFTER we have told him not to run. But it is all good!

Ethan is doing well at school and doing extra maths tuition to help get him ready for his SATS (Whenever that may be)....bloody SATS at 6!

Oh well, I have ranted enough....I am tired and want to go to bed.

Night all. x

http://writingfromtheheart.blog

One constant in my life is the fact that I love to write. I enjoy creating content, whether it be short stories, scripts, diary entries, etc.

Ever since I was little I have loved writing short stories and often competed in school competitions to create written pieces. 

I asked myself today what I wanted from my blog and realised I wanted two things - I wanted to have somewhere that I can share stories about my family and where I could write personal accounts...and then I wanted to be able to write content - reviews, short stories, poems.

So with that in mind, I decided to create TWO blogs. You heard me correctly....I created a separate blog so I can keep all of my written content in one place.

This blog account that I am on now will be solely for my personal posts.

If you would like to read my short stories, poems or reviews please head over to:-

http://writingfromtheheartdotblog.wordpress.com

It is still very much under construction - its a simple set up so shouldn't take long before I can post content. I worried that I had gone for the wrong WORDPRESS when I first signed up - I paid the yearly fee and then realised that a lot of people used wordpress.org when they wanted to make there blogs successful and make money from them. And then I realised that I am not really bothered about advertising on my blog or affiliate marketing etc. I don't review make-up or make creative items that I can sell. I want to use my blog space (on wordpress) to simply showcase some of my written work - somewhere that I can link prospective clients to who may be interested in me writing content for them.

So as of today, I have two blogs! :D

This could be confusing! For me....not you guys!

I hope. 

Bloglovin

Follow my blog with Bloglovin Follow me and show me your support I can now be found on Bloglovin

Lost

Lost
But you are not down the back of the sofa or at the bottom of my purse.

Lost

But you are not something I can easily find again.

Lost

I wish you were just hiding, somewhere out of sight.

Lost

My pain of losing you is real but only I can feel it, live it and breathe it.

Lost
The old saying goes, 'How can I miss you so much when I never really had you in the first place.' 

Lost
You were my baby, I felt you move. You should be here.

Lost

The word the doctors, nurses and midwives used.

Lost

How I feel as I go about my life but grieve for you quietly.

Lost
I want to speak about you openly but no other person completely understands.

Lost

Life must go on, but I struggle to move forward.

Lost

The days since you left have gone as normal, as though I never carried you in the first place. 

Lost

I close my eyes to see you, but when I open them you are gone.

Lost

You are gone from me for now, but I hope that one day I will find you.

Lost
You are lost
I lost you
Loss is what I feel. 

Its me, Harry

Hello to all you big weird looking dog people.

My name is Harry, Harry the Pug! I am 10 weeks old and I live with the dog lady who runs this blog. 

Scratch Scratch

She has just popped out to the kitchen so I thought I would introduce myself, I really didn't think I would know how to get my paws around a keyboard, but look at me gooooooo.....

Sorry, I had an itch on my butt that I really needed to bite. 

So, I am new here.... lick lick ..my new dog adult people got me from my Mommy a couple of weeks ago and I am still learning the rulesssssssssssssssssssssssssssss....

Sorry, I got distracted by that annoying round ball in the corner of the room. It is looking at me....Grrrrrr.

Anyway, I wanted to introduce myself.

BALL!!

I was born 10 weeks ago to a lovely Mommy Pug who was black all over. I was born with my 4 other brothers and sisters. They were all lovely but very annoying at times too. 

I SEE YOU BALL!!

I was called the RUNT of the litter because I was the smallest but I showed them when I jumped on them from behind. My brothers and sisters thought it was funny to bite my ears and walk all over me, but I would run into them when they weren't looking and knock them down. They all towered over me, which really wasn't fair...but my Mommy gave me lots of lovely tongue baths to make me feel loved and safe, they were the best....she also had food on tap ALL OF THE TIME. It was perfect.

That BALL is goading me...it wants me to chew on it! Damn BALL! 

But then the Big Dog Lady who we lived with said that we would be leaving soon. I thought she meant altogether at first and I wondered where me, my brothers, my sisters and my Mommy would be going.

Grrrrrr....B...A....L...L

Then one day, a man came and handed some paper over to the Dog Lady and he picked up my brother and took him away. Me and my other brothers and sisters thought it was very strange in deed. I could smell my brothers scent but couldn't see him.

Grrrrrrr

Then the same day, two big people came and took my sister away. I looked into my sisters eyes as she was carried away and wondered where they were going. I was sad but I wanted to go too, I was jealous that they may be having an adventure without me.

My Mommy was starting to spend less time with me and whenever I looked for her for milk then she would walk the other way. I was so confused about what was happening but then the Dog Lady introduced me to CHICKEN!

Sniff Sniff 

Oh my God! Chicken is amazing.....way better than my Mommy's milk....it was chewy and delicious.

Lick Lick

It was only a few days before a man and lady came to the house. They looked at me and both started doing this weird thing with their faces....the lady was also screeching and she was saying awwww a lot. I was not understanding what was going on, but I didn't have time to think about it. My Dog Lady picked me up and placed me in the lady's arms. I was scared at first, I was up so high in the air and I was worried about falling, but then the lady started cuddling me and kissing my fur. It felt really good and made me feel excited, my tail started wagging and I licked at their salty hands and faces. The man who was with the lady handed a bunch of paper over and they lent me down so I could lick my Mommy. Mommy licked my face and then I was taken away from the house. I was a little sad...I didn't want to leave my family and my home. I knew the smell of that place and I didn't know the smell of these dog people. 

I cried a little on the way home in the car as it was so scary being in a moving box.

BALLLLLLLLL!

Sorry, I had to show that ball who was boss!........................................................................

Then I was introduced to two new pup kids.

Me with Oliver

Me with Ethan

They were so excited to see me and they cuddled me and played with me.

BALLLLLLL! I Thought I told you!

I had a new bed brought for me, new toys and some yummy dog food. Since being here I have been cuddled, played with and also shown where to toilet. My dog people shout toilet a lot when I sniff around the room....and then when I do toilet on the right spot they give me a treat. It is amazing. I also have my favourite spot on the sofa when I am tired and need a rest. My Dog Lady brought me a jumper but I prefer to tear that up than wear it.

I can smell CHICKEN! Ball is still looking at me, but I can SMELL CHICKEN!

My owner lady says I have been good today so she is giving me a treat! I can smell it...it must be for me....she is calling me...I have to go!

I cant control my tail or my butt! They are wagging from side to side making me go off balance....but I cant stop! I am THAT excited!

Chicken here I come!

Signed Harry

THE PUG

20 Things about Me.

Want to know more about me? Check out my list below. 

1. My middle name is Jayne
2. I have a Pet Pug called Harry
3. I have freaky webbed toes (the two nearest my big toe are joined on both feet, they have a small split that goes half way down, not all the way but not like normal toes)
4. I used to collect smartie tops (Smarties are a yummy chocolatey treat) when I was kid and had about 170 by the time I finished. These were the old plastic tops with letters on the inner side. 
5. I have been with my husband, Stewart for almost 18 years!
6. My sons middle names are Stephen (Oliver) and Richard (Ethan) after they're granddads.
7. I attended Green Rock Primary School as a kid and started in Class 2 when I was 5.
8. In junior school I was nicknamed '60s' as my clothes were less than fashionable. I made the mistake of telling someone in secondary school and the name followed me there also. Being older I now realise how rubbish it was that I was so bothered by that name! I could have been called worse!
9. Stewart was my first love and first boyfriend. 
10. I have a coggy eye when I look up in certain directions which my little sister loves to point out. 
11. I have a birthmark/scar on the lower of my back which is pale. When I was a baby it got infected and I had to have treatment on it, resulting in some of the skin coming away, it has been scarred ever since. 
12. I talk to myself ALOT! I don't answer though....
13. I once slept in a beach tent with my friend on a campsite whilst it was thundering and lightning outside! Lets just say, we were a bit scared! The same trip resulted in sheep jumping over my head and a bee being on my shoulder! True Story!
14. I once modelled in front of my friend dads car and posed like a chicken!
15. On visiting Dublin with my friend i commented on a blokes Aussie hat and got asked whether I was 'special'
16. For our honeymoon, myself and my husband went on a roadtrip around France, starting in Calais, driving to Paris and staying over in Nice! 
17. We went on another road trip a couple of years later, getting a ferry to Holland, visiting and staying in Amsterdam, Switzerland, Germany, France and Italy! It was an amazing trip!
18. I love Summer/Hate the cold!
19. I have only been on an aeroplane once to go to Dublin for a girlie weekend. 
20. I am quiet with new people but get to know me and I am chatty, bubbly and kind of weird. 

I Will Be The Girl Who Decided To Go For It!

We woke early(ish) today and decided to go for a breakfast with the boys, so we took them to Frankie and Benny's! I had a big breakfast, as did Stew and the boys both had pancakes and bacon.

We thought it would be nice to have us four together as a family eating a meal together...It was lovely for all of 5 minutes before Oliver decided that eating his meal on the floor underneath the table would be his preference. Follow this with 10 minutes of coaxing him out (gentle persuasion, followed by angry tones, before trying the gentle tactic again) which worked when I bribed him with his tablet at home. ('If you don't come up from underneath that table then you won't have your pad for the whole day')

Ethan decided two bites into his pancakes that he wasn't hungry and told me repeatedly that he was really thirsty, this was after he drank a whole cup of milk and some of my diet coke. To be fair to my eldest jerk then he has been unwell for the past few days to the point that his appetite has been affected...that is until I mention chocolate of course, but he has been a bit unwell. He's had snot and phlegm and a bit of a temperature.

We finished off our breakfast with my husband Stew ensuring that he had his 2nd cup of Caramel Latte before we headed off...after all it is a refill and he must get his monies worth.

Just before we stepped outside of the restaurant I realised I didn't know where my car keys were. I racked my brains for where they could be, hands frisking myself from earhole to ankle, mind mentally checking each pocket whilst my hands searched for my keyring fluff (literally a ball of white fluff as a keyring) before I emptied the contents of my handbag out into my hand...with old receipts, make up (which I wasn't wearing), a comb, my old purse, endless 1p and 2p coins falling out. I pushed it all back in and thought with horror that they must still be in the car....I did a very undramatic run to the car, hoping that it hadn't been broken into...or worse that the keys had got lost somewhere else and we were now stranded....Halfway there my hands delved deep into my bag again and low and behold, there were my keys. Resting on top of my bag! How on earth did I miss them?? Did they play hide and seek with me? And jump out at the last minute saying haha, Sucker!!

Anyway, disaster averted we headed off to do some much needed shopping before heading to the barbers for the boys to get a proper cut. The hairdressers (Smart Cuts, Ablewell Street) as always was pretty busy and we sat on a sofa and waited our turn. I hate waiting for anything with the boys, they both get antsy and impatient. Both were drinking from their juice bottles eagerly and I knew one of them would want the toilet any minute! They were up and down off the sofa, walking around and getting into peoples way, so I pulled out my mobile phone and got them to play a couple of the games I had saved! Score one to mom for pulling out the technology to distract them!

They both had a lovely cut, unfortunately I didn't take a picture at the time of them getting it cut, but they did well. Oliver was harder to keep still but he tried really hard to listen whilst the lady cut his wild mass of hair. Ethan sank lower and lower everytime the hairdresser sprayed him with water to wet his hair, but he did well too.

We got home, fed Harry the Pug and had tea before me and the boys got on the floor and played board games. We had Time Shock (cheap man frustration), Doh Nutters, Mr Bucket and Tetris Dual. They are both now tucked up in bed.

I have thought more about the previous goals I wrote, I have failed on the healthy eating and fitness today, but I have drank my 6 glasses of water...that alone has had an affect on the scales. Not by much, but a little. I know I need to eat healthier and get some fitness in. I am back at Slimming world next week and I am going to get back to Zumba. We even brought me a pink kettlebell today! Watch this space!

I have spoken more to Stew about what type of tattoo i would like and where. I have thought of maybe a feather as a dedication to Baby Harper...but I will look more into it, maybe look at tattoo ideas on Google and Pinterest! You can always thank the internet for being able to find what you need! 

One things for sure though I feel a lot more positive since I started writing this blog. I don't expect anything from it, I am just having fun and whilst I am doing this then I am not thinking negatively or about things I can't change and that can only be a good thing right?

January 2nd 2018

Today I woke feeling a lot more positive and felt more at peace with what had happened to us as a family. I think giving myself goals and aims has helped me to focus on something else.

I like to think that I have made little steps to accomplish what I wrote on my goals list yesterday. 

I drank more water, as I did yesterday, 6 glasses in fact! The first day was hard as I was constantly needing to empty my bladder, but today was a lot easier. I feel less foggy headed like normal and my husband commented that my skin looked brighter! Big Thumbs up to drinking more water then!

Who knew something as simple as remembering to drink could have an impact on my day! That is me all over though! I constantly forget...ask anyone who knows me and they will tell you that I am terrible at remembering dates/conversations...in fact, I am surprised I manage to remember to look after the boys most days. (That is most definitely a joke, I can and do look after the boys very well, please don't dial ChildLine on me)

I am not the most organised of people and drinking water is on the list with all the other endless things I forget to do or not do daily.

I also worked hard to eat healthier, I re-introduced fruit to my diet! I really think I shocked my system when I ate melon, grapes and banana, but I plowed through it, even if my mind was picturing chocolate and cake as I placed each piece of healthy morsel into my mouth. I managed to make myself and eat breakfast. In fact, that should be another goal on my list! As eating breakfast is not something I do. When I get up with the boys, tired from sleep and rushed into playing choo choo Thomas Trains the second I am down the stairs then I can't bring myself to fancy breakfast. It would be very nice if it was already prepared for me, I could eat it then...but having to prep at that time of the morning!! No, Sorry....I struggle to open a box of cereal and empty it into a bowl with milk without making a mess of the work surfaces.

But today, I got up gingerly and felt a lot less groggy (water must be playing a part) and made Weetabix Muffins (recipe below) - a Slimming World wonder! And placed it on my plate along with fresh melon and other fruit pieces. It wasn't as interesting as a huge doorstep breakfast sandwich with lashings of brown sauce, but it satisfied and stopped me from raiding the cupboard for crisps and biscuits. 

Recipe for Weetabix Muffins

I have created more posts on this blog and applied to Google AdSense - I am still learning and I appreciate that ads on blogs don't make that much money, but its a step in the right direction. I am keen to get myself out there, maybe even changing over from Blogger at some point and getting a proper web page set up. I want to make this work, but if it doesn't get me where I want it to then at least I have tried. 

When I started my photography business I aimed to be popular and get regular bookings. Towards the end I felt like I had accomplished what I wanted to and felt like I wanted to experience other things. And now I feel like I want to give blogging a real good go! But the real question is what do I blog about? Are people really going to be interested in reading about some strangers random ramblings about goals, life and kids. I have looked at other peoples blogs for ideas and I feel like I'm a small fish swimming in a vast ocean full of bright tropical fish....There are beauty blogs, music blogs, travel blogs, mummy blogs, review blogs! There are blogs dedicated to mental health, dedicated to particular topics, whether its reading, mechanics or cooking!

What category do I want to fit into to? If I had to be honest right now, I would say that I don't want to write a blog that is limited to one subject. Some days I may talk about my dreams and goals, maybe document my days back at Slimming World? Some days I may review a film and on others I may just post a ton of cute pictures of my Pug and my two young boys!

Whatever this blog may be I just want to have fun doing it. I want to feel like me again!

New Year, New Goals

So, following on from my previous posts I have been thinking about what type of things I may like to achieve this year. Its a new year and I need to do something that distracts from everything that happened last year.

So here is a list of things I would like to achieve. I am not saying I will achieve all if any of them, but it is stuff I can think about. We only have one life after all and we need to experience all of the things we want to in life. You never know when your time might be up.

So to start:

• Lose weight. I am not at a healthy weight at all and I would like to feel good about myself and wear what I want to wear. So I am going back to Slimming World on Wednesday. 
• Take up more physical fitness. I am going back to my regular weekly Zumba class and will start doing the school runs on foot rather than driving.
• Get myself a tattoo. I nave never had one but have always wanted to get one, just to say I have one and to experience it. So I am going to have a look at getting something small and discreet. The thing is with me is that I get fed up quickly so it would need to be in place that I'm not always going to easily see it. Something for me and my husband. :D
• Look for another job. At the moment I work within the local council and have been doing the same job for the past 12 years. It fits in well hours wise around the school runs and it is perfect for how flexible it is. I can book time off last minute if needed, which is ideal for if the boys are unwell and I need time off etc. But the job is a lot different to how it was when I first started. A lot of the people I started with have now left for another job or retired and I am not completely happy in the role anymore. If I can find something to fit perfectly time wise etc like this one then I would consider changing jobs, but I doubt it will be very forthcoming.
• Apply for Extras Work - Another thing that I have always wanted to experience is being in a television show. I used to dream of doing some sort of acting job but I have never fully had the confidence to do anything like that, but I have considered signing up for extras work so i can at least experience what it would be like on set, etc. I know it can be boring work, sitting there for hours waiting to be called (if you do get called) and then you may not get any air time depending on editing afterwards, but I would still like to give it a go. 
• Write a screenplay/book - Another ambition of mine since I was at college when I was a teenager was to write my own screenplay or book and have it published. Again, my confidence has always stopped me from aiming for it as I never feel like I would be good enough, but with everything that has happened the last couple of years then it just reinstates how short life can be. I don't want to regret anything in my life. 
• Take on more photography work - For the past 10 years I have ran my own photography business photographing weddings and children, etc. I always dreamed of having my own business and creating my own work and working my own hours, etc. Now that I have done that then I want to step away from that type of photography and have a go at something else. Maybe create a calendar, work for a newspaper or in the media. I appreciate it is a tough industry but I would like to just experience doing more with my photography. 
• Create more blog posts and look into making money from it - I will be honest, blogging is completely new to me. At the moment I am just getting used to writing my feelings down for all to see, but I am interested in finding more out about making money from it. I have had a go at vlogging and have created a couple of videos recently which centred on the loss I had. 
• Make more memories with my family - On the subject of feeling low in confidence, I also struggle to put myself in front of a camera as I don't like how I look. I want to change this, not for me...but for my boys. I don't want them to look back when they are older and struggle to find any photographs of me. So from this day forward I am going to take more selfies of me and my boys. I am going to make more memories for them despite how I look or feel. If I stick to losing weight and getting physically fit then I may eventually like how I look. 
• Make more time for my husband - As most parents can probably appreciate, once kids turn up then romance and all that jazz goes out of the window. Myself and my husband have been through some tough times the last two years. And I want us to get back to being loving and best friends. We go about our daily tasks and live day to day but we forget about just talking to one another. For example, right now....I am sat here writing on this blog whilst my husband sits a seat away from me watching Jimmy Carr Live on TV, we haven't spoken for the past 3 hours. We are comfortable with each others silence but we weren't always like that. I almost lost him last year and I want to get back to how we were....
• Read more books - I love books! I love reading and getting lost in a book. But I find that I haven't made as much time for it lately as I would like. I am going to concentrate on at least reading a new book each month. There are a ton of good reads which are on my mental itinerary, but I never seem to get round to making time for it. 
• Travel more - There are many places I want to visit, but again my confidence stops me from wanting to look as I may have to consider clothing options or worrying that people in other countries may not like me....I am hoping that by dealing with my confidence then I can feel less scared about getting myself out there. 
• BE MORE CONFIDENT - Having read through my previous 'to dos' you can see that I don't have much confidence or self assurance. I want to be better, I want to love myself. I am naturally bubbly and chatty but I feel like I am shading who I am as I worry what people may think of me and that's down to my weight and how I see myself. I must make this year about getting me to a point where I will be happy. 

EDITS - Points I would like to cover which I thought of AFTER I published this post.

• Drink more water - I could quite literally go through the day without drinking even a glass of water....and its not like I fill up on other liquids either. I don't like coffee or tea and only drink alcohol on occasion (except for quite recently as mentioned in a previous post) but I do tend to have a bit of an addiction to fizzy drinks , which I have to cut back on. I know they aren't good for me or my teeth, so I have made a conscious effort the last couple of days to drink at least 6 glasses of water in one day. I have stayed away from fizzy drinks and I managed 6 glasses yesterday and will get them in today too. I just have to remind myself to drink which is something I was out of the habit of doing. Unless it was a really hot day, etc then I didn't feel thirsty that often. So I am keen to change not only my eating habits but my drinking ones also. 
• Join a Drama Group - I remember wanting to take Drama as a study when I was at school but I gave up the idea when I was teased by other kids at school. Again, I let my confidence affect my decision. There is a part of me that has always wanted to join a group and perform productions, etc. I am 36 years old and often wonder whether I am too old to pursue hobbies like this but I am keen to not let any interests pass me by, so I am going to look at what local groups are near me. 
• 
  
• Do something for Charity - I would like to organise an event of some kind to raise money for a worthy cause. And I have always wanted to help out with the homeless, etc. 
• Look into redoing my GCSE's Maths and English - Before I was pregnant, I really wanted to train to be a midwife. It has been something I had considered for a while and I wanted to work within the NHS. The thought of helping women born they're babies really made me want to get onto a course. I attended a careers talk at the local college and they suggested me re-doing my GCSES so I could apply to get onto there access course. After losing the baby I have changed my mind about being a midwife, at least for the time being. I don't think I could deal with what I went through, I think it would kill me to help someone through a miscarriage. I know ultimately it would be something I would get used to....but until I am over what happened then I cant picture me doing that type of job. Maybe I will change my mind in a years time etc, who knows?
  
  What I do know is that I would like to redo my GCSES to give me a better chance of applying for higher education courses if I did change my mind. 

Christmas is Over...

Its been a couple of weeks since I last wrote on here.

With the festive season upon myself and my family, we busied ourselves with decorations, wrapping and planning for Christmas Day.

We spent a fortune on toys, food, Christmas tree decorations and all for one day!

It was 24 hours of Christmas stress, colourful tinsel, unceremonious unwrapping of presents, uncooked massive turkey and overcooked sprouts!

The weeks leading up to Xmas weren't great, with myself and my husband still grieving for the baby we lost.

We went to a service for the baby which was both harrowing and emotional. The service had been provided by the NHS and Funeral Services. There was no expense that had to be paid by us. We attended the Streetly Crematorium on a snowy Tuesday morning. It was very intimate and personal, with only me and my husband in attendance. The vicar talked us through the service and asked us to choose a reading - we chose one which was very poignant to us. The words perfectly matched how we were feeling.

When the vicar asked Stew whether he would be comfortable enough carrying in the coffin, I thought he wouldn't want to do it, but he accepted almost immediately. He later told me that it was his one last job as the baby's father that he could do. The coffin was small in size and was white in colour with gold handles and trim.

I sat and stared at the baby's coffin the entire duration of the ceremony. Every part of me wanted to tear the lid of the coffin off and take back my baby. I didn't want to let it go.

I listened to every word spoken and engraved them into my heart so I could forever feel the pain of them. For that is all I am left with now, the pain. Its the only thing I have left to remind me that I was actually pregnant and that the baby did exist. My only memory is of small kicks and the images I have from the 12 week scan.

After the beautiful words and prayers, we watched painstakingly as the curtains were closed around the coffin and we leant into one another for support as we let go and sobbed for our child. We cried for all the memories we wouldn't now make. We grieve not only for the baby but for the moments we will not cherish. The kicks from the womb and the first look of our boy or girl after it is born, the endless nights of poor sleep and feeds, the excitement as they learn something new; a new smile, a new word, the first crawl, the first steps. All of the moments we should be looking forward to have been cruelly snatched away without any real explanation. It was just one of those things...a line I have heard more often than I would like since I miscarried my baby. 

So this Christmas I plastered a smile on my face and busied myself with preparations and hugged my boys close and watched as they're excitement grew. They got up every morning approaching Christmas and hunted for the naughty elf and wrote they're Christmas lists and visited Santa at his grotto. They never sensed that I was feeling less than festive and never knew that I was dying inside most days. Every moment reminded me of what I had lost. Every second I felt the loss of my baby and I wanted to do nothing else but curl up and shut myself away. But I took each day as it came and took steps towards feeling less sad. Its almost 2 months since I lost the baby and I should be 7 months pregnant. I should be looking forward to starting my maternity leave in February, but instead I am having to look forward and fill my days with other stuff to stop myself from overthinking.

I cannot lie and say that the past couple of months have been easy because they haven't been, but I feel like I am becoming a stronger person because of what I went through and what I still am going through. The days since giving birth have been hard and each day brings new sadness, mainly from thinking about what I have lost. I still have a long way to go and I am hoping that once I get past what would have been my due date, then I can start healing both mentally and physically. I have drank way too much alcohol since I found out and spent a lot of days drunk. I know that doesn't help, but it numbed my emotions and stopped me thinking about it all.

Christmas was filled with family and friends and we ate and drank way too much. Then there was the dreaded lull in between boxing day and new years eve - those days that you don't really know what to do with. On those days I slipped back into feeling low and sad. New Years came around and we spent it again with family and friends and we watched the New Year begin.

Today I woke up and took all of the Christmas decorations down (at the sadness and disappointment of my two young boys) and rearranged the living room. Today is the first day of a new year. There are going to be moments i am sad, there will be moments that I will remember what I lost and feel low about it all again, but I am determined to make this year count. I am back at work the end of next week and I am going to finish the photography jobs I have outstanding and start blogging more often.

I want to join a drama group and write a screenplay. I have ideas for a book I would like to write and I want to do photography jobs in other areas than weddings/photoshoots. I also want to sort out my weight and get myself fitter. Slimming world will be started again and I will go back to Zumba class. Everything and anything to keep my days filled up to help distract away from the normality of grieving. I know it is okay to feel sad after a loss but I want to feel more positive. I am never going to forget my baby, but its time to start healing.

So as of today, last year is now in the past, Christmas is over and I am living for now.