Thursday, 6 September 2018

Its been a while...

Listening to: - Billie Piper - The Best Of (via Spotify)

What can I say? I like cheesy pop music...

Watching: Stew is watching Judge Romesh….that dude is funny!

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As many of you have probably noticed, I have been a bit quiet on here of late. I have had a lot of things going on personally, as well as trying to reassess what I want to do with my life.

I have spoke before about how much I want to write; whether it be a television programme script or a book and that is still a dream of mine, but I have dug deeper within myself and decided to reach for something that I never thought I could or would ever be able to do.

When I was younger and before I was a mother, I used to look on with appreciation and respect at nurses and midwives. I often wondered whether I could do this type of job and as with most things I beat myself down and told myself that I would never be able to do it. I told myself that I wasn't brainy enough, that I was too common, that I didn't have enough determination or that I was too 'emotional' for that type of work.

Then when I had the boys, I met a wonderful community midwife. A lady who was with me from pregnancy to birth; someone who I trusted and who I could rely on when I had doubts. She was such a lovely person; very down to earth and made me feel at ease throughout. I envisioned having a career like hers where I would help women to enjoy or at least 'get through' pregnancy. I played with the idea but still I put myself down and told myself that I would be able to do it; that it would be too much like hard work and I would fail at the first hurdle.

Then Stews accident happened; I lost our baby and we lost Stews Dad, all in the space of  years and I decided that I wasn't wasting anymore of my life. I decided that I was going to 'Try'. I still cant believe that I will be able to do it, but if I at least 'Try' and really give it my all then I can never say that I didn't 'Try'.

So, I started researching Midwifery as a job; started searching courses and joined groups on Facebook. With every bit of information I found out, I felt my heart race that little bit more, but not with fear but with excitement.

I still love writing and I hope that one day I can realise my dream of getting a book published, but like photography then I could be happy 'not doing it' if I couldn't or if it didn't happen.....with midwifery I feel like I really really want this. When people say that you have to have passion for something, then I know what they mean. I want to realise this dream, I want to help women through pregnancy; the good and the bad times. I want to help born babies into the world; and I want to help those that like me don't get to take a baby home with them.

I researched universities and chose Wolverhampton University as a place that I would like to aim for. I studied the entry requirements and felt myself doubt myself even more when I realised that I had a lot of work to put in before I could sign up for a Honours in Midwifery.

5 GCSES at Grade C or above - Including Maths/English and a Science qualification.
Plus Access Courses at 45 credits Merit/distinction - with some transferable experience within your career history.

I have GCSES at Grade C in English, although I do intend to improve this grade but Maths has never been my strong suit; mainly because I never paid attention in school. I have enrolled on an online Access to Nursing and Midwifery Course via Distance Learning Centre UK which looks daunting....Again, I found myself doubting whether I would pull it off, but I am determined to give it my best shot.

My confidence was knocked slightly yesterday when I went to Walsall College to do a GCSE Maths assessment - I agreed to sign up for an evening class with one of my closest friends, Claire. The assessment was hard with questions about fractions/Mean Numbers/Percentages and measuring. I was lost entirely and now wait to hear whether I have obtained a place on the course. The tutor told that I scored under what is required to access the course but if they don't get enough students signed up then they may be able to offer me a place.....I smile and said thankyou, my cheeks burning red with embarrassment feeling like a complete failure at the first hurdle and I went outside and berated myself before crying. Stew says that I am way too hard on myself and I know he is right but my confidence isn't great at the best of times and I have been telling myself for so long that I would never be able to do this in a million years....but I wont let it beat me. If the college decide not to offer me a place then I will continue with my access course and brush up with my maths skills via research/GCSE books and BBC Bitesize and then I will re-apply next year for Maths and English.

This isn't going to be a easy journey and there may be many more times when I sit in my car and cry, but I am prepared to give everything to get into this career....and if I get there and realise that I don't like it?? least I can be happy in the knowledge that I got there!! And if I can do that then I can do anything. :)

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