Tuesday, 4 December 2018

Update 4th December 2018

Hi All

I have been a bit lacking on this updating lark...I do love writing still but I have had so much stuff going on that I have struggled to really sit down with my laptop. I am generally burned out by the end of the day so I generally go to bed. Come 9pm when boys are in bed then I don't want to do anything at all. :)

But tonight I sat and wrote a few chapters of my book, I updated my Twitter Feed which I haven't done in so so long and so, as I was on a roll, figured that I should update here too.

Not a lot has happened really, I have had a busy few months. I have just got back from a fantastic weekend away with my beautiful Best Friend, Claire. We went to Edinburgh and it was amazing. Definately somewhere I will look at going next year with the boys. Edinburgh is the only place where they house the UK's only pandas and as Oliver is a big lover of the black and white, bamboo munching bears then we figured it would be a good excuse to take the boys away...that is coming up next year.

The past few months have flew by and I am not really sure what I did with them if I am completely honest. I have been steadily progressing on my GCSE Maths course. I have hummed and ahhed about my career and where I want to be and where. I have stressed my little noggin out about it all. I am torn between a few different career paths and yet if I am honest I want to do them all...but I know that isn't possible. I would love to be a midwife; but I think about the time I will have to be away from the boys, so I have been soul searching. I would love to do that job and go through the training but the boys lives have been affected so much over the past 2 years, I really don't want to be away from them. Being a midwife will be demanding, as I am expecting it to be....I wouldn't expect anything else, but I am not sure whether I can justify doing it when the boys are still so young. I know people do go on and do it with kids, but I want to be here more, not less. So, I have been looking at what else I can do that I would enjoy. Sure, I love writing, but how likely is it that I can make money from it....even if I did make some money from it, then it would never been enough. I cant stay in my job forever, I am starting to feel less and less like myself the more time I spend there. It just isn't the same anymore; there is no progression. I have been stuck in the same role for 13 years and I always feel like I am never fully appreciated for the work that I do. So I want something else before I get bitter, I am generally smiley and happy but once I sit on my seat at work then I feel the life drain out of me. Does that sound melodramatic? Well....its as close to the truth as possible.

So, what can I do that might make me happy....I have always liked the thought of working with children, always liked the thought of working in a school, so I have been looking at teaching assistant roles. Doing a teaching assistant role would suit the boys so much more; I would have the holidays off with them and I could work with lots of little people. If I end up liking it; or loving it, then I can look at becoming a qualified early years teacher. If I hate it and decide that its not for me, then I still have plenty of time to go back to Plan A. I am not settling really....its just a case of finding something that suits the boys and Stew. If it means me sacrificing what I want to do and doing something that is maybe not at the top of my list, then I will do. I actually feel excited about it at the moment. I have enquired about apprenticeship schemes, which yes...I wouldn't be getting the same pay I get now, but it would be so much better for me to have all of the same holidays with the boys. And I feel like I could actually be a good teaching assistant - I mean, I am a bit of a kid at heart myself ;)

Hopefully my next update will be closer to me saying that I am doing more of what I want to do....

Thursday, 6 September 2018

Its been a while...

Listening to: - Billie Piper - The Best Of (via Spotify)

What can I say? I like cheesy pop music...

Watching: Stew is watching Judge Romesh….that dude is funny!

- - - - - -

As many of you have probably noticed, I have been a bit quiet on here of late. I have had a lot of things going on personally, as well as trying to reassess what I want to do with my life.

I have spoke before about how much I want to write; whether it be a television programme script or a book and that is still a dream of mine, but I have dug deeper within myself and decided to reach for something that I never thought I could or would ever be able to do.

When I was younger and before I was a mother, I used to look on with appreciation and respect at nurses and midwives. I often wondered whether I could do this type of job and as with most things I beat myself down and told myself that I would never be able to do it. I told myself that I wasn't brainy enough, that I was too common, that I didn't have enough determination or that I was too 'emotional' for that type of work.

Then when I had the boys, I met a wonderful community midwife. A lady who was with me from pregnancy to birth; someone who I trusted and who I could rely on when I had doubts. She was such a lovely person; very down to earth and made me feel at ease throughout. I envisioned having a career like hers where I would help women to enjoy or at least 'get through' pregnancy. I played with the idea but still I put myself down and told myself that I would be able to do it; that it would be too much like hard work and I would fail at the first hurdle.

Then Stews accident happened; I lost our baby and we lost Stews Dad, all in the space of  years and I decided that I wasn't wasting anymore of my life. I decided that I was going to 'Try'. I still cant believe that I will be able to do it, but if I at least 'Try' and really give it my all then I can never say that I didn't 'Try'.

So, I started researching Midwifery as a job; started searching courses and joined groups on Facebook. With every bit of information I found out, I felt my heart race that little bit more, but not with fear but with excitement.

I still love writing and I hope that one day I can realise my dream of getting a book published, but like photography then I could be happy 'not doing it' if I couldn't or if it didn't happen.....with midwifery I feel like I really really want this. When people say that you have to have passion for something, then I know what they mean. I want to realise this dream, I want to help women through pregnancy; the good and the bad times. I want to help born babies into the world; and I want to help those that like me don't get to take a baby home with them.

I researched universities and chose Wolverhampton University as a place that I would like to aim for. I studied the entry requirements and felt myself doubt myself even more when I realised that I had a lot of work to put in before I could sign up for a Honours in Midwifery.

5 GCSES at Grade C or above - Including Maths/English and a Science qualification.
Plus Access Courses at 45 credits Merit/distinction - with some transferable experience within your career history.

I have GCSES at Grade C in English, although I do intend to improve this grade but Maths has never been my strong suit; mainly because I never paid attention in school. I have enrolled on an online Access to Nursing and Midwifery Course via Distance Learning Centre UK which looks daunting....Again, I found myself doubting whether I would pull it off, but I am determined to give it my best shot.

My confidence was knocked slightly yesterday when I went to Walsall College to do a GCSE Maths assessment - I agreed to sign up for an evening class with one of my closest friends, Claire. The assessment was hard with questions about fractions/Mean Numbers/Percentages and measuring. I was lost entirely and now wait to hear whether I have obtained a place on the course. The tutor told that I scored under what is required to access the course but if they don't get enough students signed up then they may be able to offer me a place.....I smile and said thankyou, my cheeks burning red with embarrassment feeling like a complete failure at the first hurdle and I went outside and berated myself before crying. Stew says that I am way too hard on myself and I know he is right but my confidence isn't great at the best of times and I have been telling myself for so long that I would never be able to do this in a million years....but I wont let it beat me. If the college decide not to offer me a place then I will continue with my access course and brush up with my maths skills via research/GCSE books and BBC Bitesize and then I will re-apply next year for Maths and English.

This isn't going to be a easy journey and there may be many more times when I sit in my car and cry, but I am prepared to give everything to get into this career....and if I get there and realise that I don't like it??

Well...at least I can be happy in the knowledge that I got there!! And if I can do that then I can do anything. :)

Wednesday, 13 June 2018

The Love Islander!

Last year I never got the buzz from the popular, twisted love reality show.

I didn't even give it a try if I am honest, I seriously could think of better things to spend my time on and found the constant babble about it annoying, but this year I have caught on to how addictive the show is! I wouldn't say I was a fan girl or anything, but I do go glossy eyed at the mention of a contestant!

I don't completely hate the heavily made up, greased up, scantily clad people that walk around the 'love island' as much as I thought. There is a part of me that finds myself staring way too long at one of the sexy males thighs or even the many pairs of boobs....(seriously, they have underboob out any everything...how can one even look away?

I mean, yeah...I am not a fan of Eyal...he talks way too much! And reminds me of Ramsey from Game of Thrones with his annoying drone! And I don't really like Adam, who seriously loves himself WAY too much..... does he realise that he looks a bit of a numpty at times...but I am enjoying watching the 'Big Brother' style show. 

To say that I look forward to watching it each evening would be the GODS Honest Truth! :D 

I was disappointed to find that Niall had left though, he was my favourite! I loved how he spoke, he wasn't too 'muggy' at all. 

The coupling and re-coupling of the males and females does my head in a little....I know its a show, but I just cant get my head around someone snogging one person one day and then spooning someone else the next...but maybe I am getting old and boring!

What I would like is a big old drunken punch up! I would love to see DR Alex kick off and beat the shit out of Eyal....That would be entertaining to see! That Dr has took way too much shit already. Nobody fancies him! Nobody wants to pair up with him, except for Somali who is kind of in the same boat....and he is already second best to the other 'knob-jockeys'.

What is wrong with those girls? Alex is probably the best looking guy in there! Are they insane??

DR Alex is hot to trot!

S x

Sunday, 10 June 2018

Love Island

Last year I missed all the hype about Love Island.
I have never really been a fan of Caroline Flack and she helped to steer me clear of the show. As the popularity of it took off then I wished I had followed from the first episode but there was way too much to catch up on so I just gave up.

This year, I told myself that I was going to give it ago.

Yeah, sure the annoying Flack woman is presenting it, but so far I have only seen her once.

And Yeah, the girls make me want to slap fake tan on and saunter around in a bikini (If I owned a bikini).

Sure, the boys make my eyes pop out of my head as they flex their pecks, which are always shiny! The type of shine which attracts the eye and has you following the contours of the many muscles they are harbouring. 

And yeah, the romances are as fake as 'knock-off' perfume from a market seller...

...But I still find myself switching in to see what is happening, everyday. 

I already love Dani - She is Danny Dyers daughter and she is charming and funny, reminding me a bit of Stacey Solomon. 

I find it funny to watch the couplings; those that are forced and those that seem to be moving towards a more serious nature. 

Tonight 3 new people came to the island to shake things up a bit! 2 Guys and 1 Girl!

It may sound sad.....but I am looking forward to tomorrows episode!

I am a Love Islander Groupie!

Driving me Mad

It has been almost 18 months now since I started driving and little by little my love of it is waning because people are such JERKS on the road!

When Stew drove (before his accident) I used to laugh at his 'road-rage' moments. You know the ones! He's driving along, someone cuts him up or doesn't give way and he swore and called them all the 'colourful' words he could think of. I used to laugh, I put it down to him being hot-headed and I even commented that he should let it go over his head and ignore them....just concentrate on driving, I said.

Man, I was a knob! Because I now understand the anger from having a 'rubbish' driver around you...and little did I know that there are SO many of them.

I never remember noticing the 'pillocks' too much on my driving lessons, but I notice them now.

If they aren't overtaking you because you aren't going quick enough on a 30mph road or not giving right of way on an island; or reversing at you and checking their blind-spots enough then they are driving so far up your arse, they are almost in the car with you.

My biggest bug-bear is when they don't give right of way though, especially on an island. Not the usual moments when they don't see you come round the bend on an island, I have enough time to see them and slow down...that doesn't bother me too much, even if I do huff a little, but I have had people pull out at the last second and I have had to pretty much STOP on an island as they saunter past, always looking straight ahead, never looking back at the car they cut up in case they get the ever needed 'Wanker' hand gesture.

When I first learnt to drive, I enjoyed it a lot more than I do now. But the 'bumholes' on the roads kill my love of driving.

Lets not even get started on the kids on bikes who ride right 'smack-bang' in the middle of the road whilst looking back at you smugly as you are forced to drive at 5mph!

No...lets not mention them!

Thursday, 29 March 2018

Update 29/3/2018

Hi All

This past week has been busy to say the least! We had throat infections last week. Oliver wasn't very well at all and had all of the week off sick. He was suffering with a high temperature and a really sore throat. The poor little man didn't want to eat and he spent a lot of time lying around doing nothing. Ethan turned 7 last Thursday and he woke to presents and a Pokémon Balloon. The years are going by way too quickly and I looked at Ethan with tears in my eyes. He has become an amazing young boy, full of life, always inquisitive, always eager to learn and always cheeky. I love him for the person that he is inside and out and cannot be any prouder of how he is growing.

Ethan went to school as normal and spent the day showing off his 7 Birthday Badge. He was happy to play with his best friend, Daniel and came out exclaiming that it was the best day of his life. Once home, he opened a few more presents, including Minecraft Storymode for PS4, Star Wars Remote Control Fighter and Lego. We are sitting here looking at his many birthday cards as I write this; he hasn't wanted to take them down yet. For tea we went to The Keymaster Pub, Hungry Horse.


The boys had hotdogs and chips. Carrots for Oliver, Veggie sticks for Ethan.

Stew had waffle and chicken mess on a plate.

When it came out then it didn't look very appealing, but he said it wasn't too bad, but he failed to finish it as some parts were very spicy.

I surveyed the menu for a long time, I had been having a rough few days with a tummy bug and I wasn't feeling very hungry, but at the same time I didn't want to pay expensive for something small like a salad. So in the end I had the Chick 'n' Mix which was plain chicken on skewers served with salad and rice with sweet chilli sauce.

As it was Ethans birthday then the boys wanted ice cream as a treat so they both had an ice-cream sundae which was a lot bigger than it looked on the menu. It was off the children's menu, cost £2 and was amazing! The boys loved them!

Friday and Saturday were relaxed - school runs, spending time with family and generally vegging out. On Sunday we took the boys to Thomas Land as a birthday treat for Ethan.


It started off well, for the first time this year the sun shone down brightly and it was lovely and warm. I spent the day with my coat off. We got there for 10.50 and the queues to get in were immense! We waited patiently, showed off our tickets and entered the gates where crowds of people were waiting to get on rides. We decided to get food out of the way first, so rather than joining the many huge crowds then we found a little pizza place, ordered food and enjoyed a small meal. At this point Ethan started to complain of tummy ache and said that he wasn't very hungry. We put it down to him being too excited, so we forced a bit of food down him before we headed off. It started off well. The boys went on a couple of rides together and hopped onto the carousel with me. Stew still struggles getting on and off of rides, so he waited patiently on the edge whilst we whizzed around on the galloping horses. We were about to get into a queue for Captain, when Ethan started crying. He was complaining of headache and saying he felt poorly. Not like him at all. He has always loved going to Thomas Land and loves going on the rides with me, especially Diesel Mayhem. I stayed with Oliver and Ethan went and waited with Stew, who took him for a sit down and a drink of water. When I got back to them after riding the water ride with Oliver then it was obvious that Ethan wouldn't be able to go on much else. He was so pale, he was tired and he didn't feel like being there at all. I took Oliver on one more ride and we decided to take them home an hour earlier.

It is such a shame that his day was ruined by him being unwell. But we have plans to go back again, as we always do and then there is Harry Potter Studios later in the year too.

The rest of this week has been work, school run, work, school run. We had the boys parents evenings last night and despite some comments regarding Oliver that I am not sure I agree with then I am happy with how they are both getting on.

Now it is the Easter Bank Holiday and I am so relieved. I feel like I am running on empty most days, running from one place to the next.

We have a date with Paw Patrol tomorrow in Walsall for Breakfast, So I will bid you Goodnight!

Have a fantastic, chocolatey Easter everyone! Hope the Easter Bunny doesn't nibble your carrots!

S x

Wednesday, 21 March 2018

Ethan Richard Geary

Dear Ethan

The moment I saw you, I knew you would be someone special.
You lay in my womb for almost 10 months and each kick and movement resonated within me. I felt as you grew inside me and waited very impatiently for you to be born. The days ticked by and eventually around 5 days past my due date you were delivered to me and your Dad.

I was groggy from drugs when I first saw your face; you were being dressed by the midwife and I could hear your cries but not see you. The anaesthetic was playing tricks on me and I was a little in and out of it, but I was determined to liven up so I could see you. You were brought over to me and even though I couldn't hold you, I happily soaked in how you looked. It was a few hours until I was able to hold you properly as I had been heavily sedated and my arms weren't strong enough to hold you at first. You were born around 9.30pm on 22nd March 2011 and I was able to hold you properly around 3am the next morning. There is a moment that I will never forget. They had taken me out of the observation room and were taking me back to the ward. They placed you in my arms as they wheeled the bed and we had this moment. Both of us looked at the other at the same time and we simply stared at one another. Your eyes narrowed slightly and your brow furrowed as though you were wondering 'who the hell I was'. And then your brow smoothed and you simply stared at me. There was no crying, no pulling of faces; you simply looked at me.

From that moment you have gone from a wonderful, bright, cheerful baby to a sensitive, intelligent gentle crazy soul. With every step we have watched your likes and dislikes change and watched in awe as you thrived in all things that you put your mind to. Your reading and word learning came on brilliantly and you were telling the time before you were 3 years old. You have a good chunk of me and your dad in you. Mentally you sponge information and retain it in your beautiful mind, as your father does. And you are a chatterbox and have a kooky sense of humour, like me. I would like to think that you get your sensational good looks from me too.

You love your family; work hard at school and you are building a loving/competitive relationship with your younger brother, Oliver.

Each day that you are in our lives only helps to make our days better. We love watching you grow and I hate the thought of the day when you will leave home and not need me as much. I want to stop you growing and hold on to you forever. I look back at your baby photos and realise that I marched through those days in a blur. I wish I had slowed down a bit, I wish I had enjoyed the nappy days, the sleepless nights and the endless CBeebies just so I could mentally take a picture of every moment I made with you. I want to slow down your growth, I want to stop you getting any bigger, because I know I will miss 6 year old Ethan as I miss newborn Ethan and 2 year old Ethan and 5 year old Ethan. Every stage you held onto my hand as I guided you on the right path.

So, tomorrow you will turn 7 and we will celebrate as we always do. We will give you presents and then we will take you out for a meal after school.

Please always remember that we love you, you make us so proud everyday. From the constant babble you make to the fact that you are a Minecraft fanatic. Everyday that I am alive I will always have your back, and as much I hate to see you grow,  I look forward to seeing where your future leads. Wherever you go or whatever you do, I will always be by your side and will always Love you.

Happy Birthday for tomorrow Pudding.

Mom xx