New Year, New Goals

So, following on from my previous posts I have been thinking about what type of things I may like to achieve this year. Its a new year and I need to do something that distracts from everything that happened last year.

So here is a list of things I would like to achieve. I am not saying I will achieve all if any of them, but it is stuff I can think about. We only have one life after all and we need to experience all of the things we want to in life. You never know when your time might be up.

So to start:

• Lose weight. I am not at a healthy weight at all and I would like to feel good about myself and wear what I want to wear. So I am going back to Slimming World on Wednesday. 
• Take up more physical fitness. I am going back to my regular weekly Zumba class and will start doing the school runs on foot rather than driving.
• Get myself a tattoo. I nave never had one but have always wanted to get one, just to say I have one and to experience it. So I am going to have a look at getting something small and discreet. The thing is with me is that I get fed up quickly so it would need to be in place that I'm not always going to easily see it. Something for me and my husband. :D
• Look for another job. At the moment I work within the local council and have been doing the same job for the past 12 years. It fits in well hours wise around the school runs and it is perfect for how flexible it is. I can book time off last minute if needed, which is ideal for if the boys are unwell and I need time off etc. But the job is a lot different to how it was when I first started. A lot of the people I started with have now left for another job or retired and I am not completely happy in the role anymore. If I can find something to fit perfectly time wise etc like this one then I would consider changing jobs, but I doubt it will be very forthcoming.
• Apply for Extras Work - Another thing that I have always wanted to experience is being in a television show. I used to dream of doing some sort of acting job but I have never fully had the confidence to do anything like that, but I have considered signing up for extras work so i can at least experience what it would be like on set, etc. I know it can be boring work, sitting there for hours waiting to be called (if you do get called) and then you may not get any air time depending on editing afterwards, but I would still like to give it a go. 
• Write a screenplay/book - Another ambition of mine since I was at college when I was a teenager was to write my own screenplay or book and have it published. Again, my confidence has always stopped me from aiming for it as I never feel like I would be good enough, but with everything that has happened the last couple of years then it just reinstates how short life can be. I don't want to regret anything in my life. 
• Take on more photography work - For the past 10 years I have ran my own photography business photographing weddings and children, etc. I always dreamed of having my own business and creating my own work and working my own hours, etc. Now that I have done that then I want to step away from that type of photography and have a go at something else. Maybe create a calendar, work for a newspaper or in the media. I appreciate it is a tough industry but I would like to just experience doing more with my photography. 
• Create more blog posts and look into making money from it - I will be honest, blogging is completely new to me. At the moment I am just getting used to writing my feelings down for all to see, but I am interested in finding more out about making money from it. I have had a go at vlogging and have created a couple of videos recently which centred on the loss I had. 
• Make more memories with my family - On the subject of feeling low in confidence, I also struggle to put myself in front of a camera as I don't like how I look. I want to change this, not for me...but for my boys. I don't want them to look back when they are older and struggle to find any photographs of me. So from this day forward I am going to take more selfies of me and my boys. I am going to make more memories for them despite how I look or feel. If I stick to losing weight and getting physically fit then I may eventually like how I look. 
• Make more time for my husband - As most parents can probably appreciate, once kids turn up then romance and all that jazz goes out of the window. Myself and my husband have been through some tough times the last two years. And I want us to get back to being loving and best friends. We go about our daily tasks and live day to day but we forget about just talking to one another. For example, right now....I am sat here writing on this blog whilst my husband sits a seat away from me watching Jimmy Carr Live on TV, we haven't spoken for the past 3 hours. We are comfortable with each others silence but we weren't always like that. I almost lost him last year and I want to get back to how we were....
• Read more books - I love books! I love reading and getting lost in a book. But I find that I haven't made as much time for it lately as I would like. I am going to concentrate on at least reading a new book each month. There are a ton of good reads which are on my mental itinerary, but I never seem to get round to making time for it. 
• Travel more - There are many places I want to visit, but again my confidence stops me from wanting to look as I may have to consider clothing options or worrying that people in other countries may not like me....I am hoping that by dealing with my confidence then I can feel less scared about getting myself out there. 
• BE MORE CONFIDENT - Having read through my previous 'to dos' you can see that I don't have much confidence or self assurance. I want to be better, I want to love myself. I am naturally bubbly and chatty but I feel like I am shading who I am as I worry what people may think of me and that's down to my weight and how I see myself. I must make this year about getting me to a point where I will be happy. 

EDITS - Points I would like to cover which I thought of AFTER I published this post.

• Drink more water - I could quite literally go through the day without drinking even a glass of water....and its not like I fill up on other liquids either. I don't like coffee or tea and only drink alcohol on occasion (except for quite recently as mentioned in a previous post) but I do tend to have a bit of an addiction to fizzy drinks , which I have to cut back on. I know they aren't good for me or my teeth, so I have made a conscious effort the last couple of days to drink at least 6 glasses of water in one day. I have stayed away from fizzy drinks and I managed 6 glasses yesterday and will get them in today too. I just have to remind myself to drink which is something I was out of the habit of doing. Unless it was a really hot day, etc then I didn't feel thirsty that often. So I am keen to change not only my eating habits but my drinking ones also. 
• Join a Drama Group - I remember wanting to take Drama as a study when I was at school but I gave up the idea when I was teased by other kids at school. Again, I let my confidence affect my decision. There is a part of me that has always wanted to join a group and perform productions, etc. I am 36 years old and often wonder whether I am too old to pursue hobbies like this but I am keen to not let any interests pass me by, so I am going to look at what local groups are near me. 
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• Do something for Charity - I would like to organise an event of some kind to raise money for a worthy cause. And I have always wanted to help out with the homeless, etc. 
• Look into redoing my GCSE's Maths and English - Before I was pregnant, I really wanted to train to be a midwife. It has been something I had considered for a while and I wanted to work within the NHS. The thought of helping women born they're babies really made me want to get onto a course. I attended a careers talk at the local college and they suggested me re-doing my GCSES so I could apply to get onto there access course. After losing the baby I have changed my mind about being a midwife, at least for the time being. I don't think I could deal with what I went through, I think it would kill me to help someone through a miscarriage. I know ultimately it would be something I would get used to....but until I am over what happened then I cant picture me doing that type of job. Maybe I will change my mind in a years time etc, who knows?
  
  What I do know is that I would like to redo my GCSES to give me a better chance of applying for higher education courses if I did change my mind. 

Christmas is Over...

Its been a couple of weeks since I last wrote on here.

With the festive season upon myself and my family, we busied ourselves with decorations, wrapping and planning for Christmas Day.

We spent a fortune on toys, food, Christmas tree decorations and all for one day!

It was 24 hours of Christmas stress, colourful tinsel, unceremonious unwrapping of presents, uncooked massive turkey and overcooked sprouts!

The weeks leading up to Xmas weren't great, with myself and my husband still grieving for the baby we lost.

We went to a service for the baby which was both harrowing and emotional. The service had been provided by the NHS and Funeral Services. There was no expense that had to be paid by us. We attended the Streetly Crematorium on a snowy Tuesday morning. It was very intimate and personal, with only me and my husband in attendance. The vicar talked us through the service and asked us to choose a reading - we chose one which was very poignant to us. The words perfectly matched how we were feeling.

When the vicar asked Stew whether he would be comfortable enough carrying in the coffin, I thought he wouldn't want to do it, but he accepted almost immediately. He later told me that it was his one last job as the baby's father that he could do. The coffin was small in size and was white in colour with gold handles and trim.

I sat and stared at the baby's coffin the entire duration of the ceremony. Every part of me wanted to tear the lid of the coffin off and take back my baby. I didn't want to let it go.

I listened to every word spoken and engraved them into my heart so I could forever feel the pain of them. For that is all I am left with now, the pain. Its the only thing I have left to remind me that I was actually pregnant and that the baby did exist. My only memory is of small kicks and the images I have from the 12 week scan.

After the beautiful words and prayers, we watched painstakingly as the curtains were closed around the coffin and we leant into one another for support as we let go and sobbed for our child. We cried for all the memories we wouldn't now make. We grieve not only for the baby but for the moments we will not cherish. The kicks from the womb and the first look of our boy or girl after it is born, the endless nights of poor sleep and feeds, the excitement as they learn something new; a new smile, a new word, the first crawl, the first steps. All of the moments we should be looking forward to have been cruelly snatched away without any real explanation. It was just one of those things...a line I have heard more often than I would like since I miscarried my baby. 

So this Christmas I plastered a smile on my face and busied myself with preparations and hugged my boys close and watched as they're excitement grew. They got up every morning approaching Christmas and hunted for the naughty elf and wrote they're Christmas lists and visited Santa at his grotto. They never sensed that I was feeling less than festive and never knew that I was dying inside most days. Every moment reminded me of what I had lost. Every second I felt the loss of my baby and I wanted to do nothing else but curl up and shut myself away. But I took each day as it came and took steps towards feeling less sad. Its almost 2 months since I lost the baby and I should be 7 months pregnant. I should be looking forward to starting my maternity leave in February, but instead I am having to look forward and fill my days with other stuff to stop myself from overthinking.

I cannot lie and say that the past couple of months have been easy because they haven't been, but I feel like I am becoming a stronger person because of what I went through and what I still am going through. The days since giving birth have been hard and each day brings new sadness, mainly from thinking about what I have lost. I still have a long way to go and I am hoping that once I get past what would have been my due date, then I can start healing both mentally and physically. I have drank way too much alcohol since I found out and spent a lot of days drunk. I know that doesn't help, but it numbed my emotions and stopped me thinking about it all.

Christmas was filled with family and friends and we ate and drank way too much. Then there was the dreaded lull in between boxing day and new years eve - those days that you don't really know what to do with. On those days I slipped back into feeling low and sad. New Years came around and we spent it again with family and friends and we watched the New Year begin.

Today I woke up and took all of the Christmas decorations down (at the sadness and disappointment of my two young boys) and rearranged the living room. Today is the first day of a new year. There are going to be moments i am sad, there will be moments that I will remember what I lost and feel low about it all again, but I am determined to make this year count. I am back at work the end of next week and I am going to finish the photography jobs I have outstanding and start blogging more often.

I want to join a drama group and write a screenplay. I have ideas for a book I would like to write and I want to do photography jobs in other areas than weddings/photoshoots. I also want to sort out my weight and get myself fitter. Slimming world will be started again and I will go back to Zumba class. Everything and anything to keep my days filled up to help distract away from the normality of grieving. I know it is okay to feel sad after a loss but I want to feel more positive. I am never going to forget my baby, but its time to start healing.

So as of today, last year is now in the past, Christmas is over and I am living for now. 

The Sweetest of Goodbyes

Today was the day I had been dreading for the past 3 weeks.

Ever since I gave birth to my sleeping baby at almost 5 months pregnant, I have been both longing for and dreading the day I would say Goodbye.

After the birth, we were advised by the hospital that they would be arranging a simple cremation service and we would be notified by post when it would be. It took almost 2 weeks for the letter to come through and I worried that they would forget to notify me of the time/date to attend. 

I needn't have worried though as it turned up eventually, advising us that the cremation service would be carried out at Streetly Crematorium on Tuesday 12th December at 9.15am.

The roads have been awash with snow and ice the past few days after a big frosty downfall leaving all schools around the area closed for a few days and the roads treacherous for driving and walking on. I worried that maybe the service would be cancelled due to the poor weather conditions, but it wasn't gladly. We set out at 8am this morning after dropping our two young sons at their Nan's house who conveniently lives over the road. 

After driving carefully and rather nervously through the snow, we arrived at the crematorium and were introduced by the Reverend who would be conducting the service. She ran through what would happen as this was all new to us. We were never advised that the service would be so personal, a number of midwives at the hospital had mentioned that the service would be communial and we would share it with other grieving parents. But this was not the case. I felt sad and guilty that more people weren't there to pay they're respects to our baby. It was solely me and Stewart, clinging to each other lost in our own personal tidal wave of sadness.

The service started with Stewart carrying the tiny white coffin in from the funeral car and placing it onto the altar. He took his place next to me, his face wet with tears and pain. I held onto him, mostly as an anchor to keep me from falling and also as comfort for him. We listened and sobbed as the readings and poems were read out to us, each word resonating through us, striking every nerve within us. I couldn't take my eyes away from the coffin, my last chance to have my baby in the same room as me. I wanted to run over and grab it before the curtains were drawn around it, I wanted to prize the lid off and cradle my baby, never letting it go. I stared at the box through every sentence read and through every tear...I watched as the curtains were finally drawn and clung helplessly to Stewart as we both struggled to control what we were feeling, which was raw sadness.

I wanted more than anything to have my baby, why is life so unfair?

I should be six months pregnant now, I should be looking forward to holding it.

I should be looking forward to all the things that comes with having a baby and a new child...the new addition to our family.

I should be buying a new pram and a new crib.

I should be shopping for gender, knowing whether to buy pink or blue.

I shouldn't be feeling so empty, I shouldn't be sad at every moment I wont now experience.

I shouldn't be watching as my Husband carries our baby in a coffin.

I shouldn't be listening to prayers and readings or watching as my baby is finally laid to rest. 

I shouldn't be feeling sad when I see new babies that are introduced on social media feeds.
I shouldn't cry myself to sleep as I feel the loss of my baby, missing the bumps and nudges from inside my uterus.

I can never say that the service was not beautiful. As sad as it was, it was also very special to us. It was small, simple and personal. In a way, it was better that it was just us, the two main people who would feel the loss the most. I will always be grateful to the hospital and funeral services for providing this touching gesture without any pay from ourselves. It was absolutely amazing. 

And this final paragraph is to you, Harper Geary. We may not have got to hold you, we may not have got to keep you, but please remember that you have and will always have a place in our hearts. You are very much loved, I just wish I could have protected you as any mother should. One day I will be with you and I will take you in my arms and never ever let you go. Until that day, please be safe in my Nan's arms, she will always look after you. 

RIP Harper Geary 13/11/2017

Moving Forward

Following on from my previous post, I have had a few positive days.

I am not always going to feel so positive. There are going to be a lot of low days. I miss being pregnant, I miss my baby and I miss all of the days ahead that I am now not going to experience....I should be six months pregnant.

I should be feeling the baby bump around in my belly, I should be getting things ready and shopping for baby items....but instead I am busying myself so I don't think of all the negatives....instead I should be concentrating on the family I have with me.

Tomorrow will be a hard day, we are attending a service at the Streetly Crematorium for the baby.

It is going to be hard, but I hope I can then start moving forward a little. I hope I can see it as the baby being released to live freely in the sky. I have never been a big believer in God and Heaven but I like to think that there is something or someone up there who will take care of my baby whilst I am here...and that one day I will have it back in my arms. 

Life is for living and I have to continue to be there for my family. So the last few days we have done things as a family.

Things can only get Better

The Christmas Tree has gone up with the help of my husband and my two young boys. We brought new baubles as we do every year...with the boys choosing a new one each. Ethan (6) went for a circle bauble with feathers in it. Oliver (3) went for a cathedral which lights up. It looks very festive in our home now...with the added addition of the naughty elf. 

Then on Saturday we surprised the boys with a festive day out at Thomas Land. It was just what we needed as a family, a day together. It wasn't even dampened by the cold snow which was forecast for most of the weekend. The boys loved it, we kept it a secret until we drove through the gates of Drayton Manor and they're faces were a picture. 

The days ahead are going to a mix of good and bad, but I wouldn't be able to get through them at all if it weren't for these boys...and that includes my husband. :)

Sunday Morning we woke to heaps and I mean HEAPS of snow outside. The whole place was covered. There was no way I was driving in it, so we had a snow day. We went in the garden, threw snowballs.....made a snowman....and enjoyed more family time. These last few days have put a big smile on my face. Time is going to be the biggest healer...but these chaps of mine are the medicine! They are the best.

Lost Baby

It has been a while since I wrote on this blog....and to be honest its not for lack of wanting to. I have been pretty busy with work and then I became pregnant with my 3rd child. Anyone who knows me knows how I struggle with sickness, etc during pregnancy so this stopped me from wanting to even look at my computer screen.

Below is a video blog I recently did.

Its not an easy subject to talk about or even to listen to.

At my routine 5 month scan I was told that my unborn baby had no heartbeat! The words will constantly echo around my head. Since then I have been in emotional turmoil.

What is the best way to think after a miscarriage? How long do I give myself to grieve?

The past 3 weeks have been the hardest of my life...

Blog Update

Hi All
Its been a while since I wrote on here so I figured I would pop by, in between editing photographs from a wedding I covered, and update on recent stuff that has been happening.

So for a long time then I have wanted to write. Whether it be fiction or non fiction then I have always felt like I wanted to put myself out there in words, but I also have a passion for working within the television industry. Not in front of the screen, but behind....within the production team possibly or combining my love for writing and media and having some sort of broadcast journalism role. So last week I did my usual job search of any type of careers that may be waiting for me to apply within this industry. There were the usual 'too good to be true' vacancies, but I applied for a couple of jobs that I found on indeed.co.uk.

The first being a job within the HR department at BBC Studios. Not exactly a production role but a step in the door at least. I applied for an admin role at a local radio station too which again isn't within the team I would like to be in but its a start.

One thing that I applied for which has been torn in two as to whether I really want it or not is the BBC Trainee Journalism Apprentice Scheme. This is a training course which annually gets offered to so many people who apply (which I can imagine is probably hundreds) - The opportunity is for 10 months and involves possibly relocating to one of the BBC sites around the country and training in broadcast journalism. The training sounds very hands on. There is a big part of me that would love this opportunity. Although there is no guarantee of a contract at the end, it would be amazing experience. But the thought of relocating and spending time away from my husband and boys makes me not want it. My husband has been very supportive and has said that if I want to do it then I should go for it. Which I have done, the application has been completed and has been sent in a few days ago. I am pretty sure there is not much chance of me getting the position but the fact that I want it is making me want to apply for more positions.

As well as this then I have had some ideas for script and short stories which I will be putting together over the next few weeks.

Logging off now as I am about to watch Legion!