Christmas is Over...

Its been a couple of weeks since I last wrote on here.

With the festive season upon myself and my family, we busied ourselves with decorations, wrapping and planning for Christmas Day.

We spent a fortune on toys, food, Christmas tree decorations and all for one day!

It was 24 hours of Christmas stress, colourful tinsel, unceremonious unwrapping of presents, uncooked massive turkey and overcooked sprouts!

The weeks leading up to Xmas weren't great, with myself and my husband still grieving for the baby we lost.

We went to a service for the baby which was both harrowing and emotional. The service had been provided by the NHS and Funeral Services. There was no expense that had to be paid by us. We attended the Streetly Crematorium on a snowy Tuesday morning. It was very intimate and personal, with only me and my husband in attendance. The vicar talked us through the service and asked us to choose a reading - we chose one which was very poignant to us. The words perfectly matched how we were feeling.

When the vicar asked Stew whether he would be comfortable enough carrying in the coffin, I thought he wouldn't want to do it, but he accepted almost immediately. He later told me that it was his one last job as the baby's father that he could do. The coffin was small in size and was white in colour with gold handles and trim.

I sat and stared at the baby's coffin the entire duration of the ceremony. Every part of me wanted to tear the lid of the coffin off and take back my baby. I didn't want to let it go.

I listened to every word spoken and engraved them into my heart so I could forever feel the pain of them. For that is all I am left with now, the pain. Its the only thing I have left to remind me that I was actually pregnant and that the baby did exist. My only memory is of small kicks and the images I have from the 12 week scan.

After the beautiful words and prayers, we watched painstakingly as the curtains were closed around the coffin and we leant into one another for support as we let go and sobbed for our child. We cried for all the memories we wouldn't now make. We grieve not only for the baby but for the moments we will not cherish. The kicks from the womb and the first look of our boy or girl after it is born, the endless nights of poor sleep and feeds, the excitement as they learn something new; a new smile, a new word, the first crawl, the first steps. All of the moments we should be looking forward to have been cruelly snatched away without any real explanation. It was just one of those things...a line I have heard more often than I would like since I miscarried my baby. 

So this Christmas I plastered a smile on my face and busied myself with preparations and hugged my boys close and watched as they're excitement grew. They got up every morning approaching Christmas and hunted for the naughty elf and wrote they're Christmas lists and visited Santa at his grotto. They never sensed that I was feeling less than festive and never knew that I was dying inside most days. Every moment reminded me of what I had lost. Every second I felt the loss of my baby and I wanted to do nothing else but curl up and shut myself away. But I took each day as it came and took steps towards feeling less sad. Its almost 2 months since I lost the baby and I should be 7 months pregnant. I should be looking forward to starting my maternity leave in February, but instead I am having to look forward and fill my days with other stuff to stop myself from overthinking.

I cannot lie and say that the past couple of months have been easy because they haven't been, but I feel like I am becoming a stronger person because of what I went through and what I still am going through. The days since giving birth have been hard and each day brings new sadness, mainly from thinking about what I have lost. I still have a long way to go and I am hoping that once I get past what would have been my due date, then I can start healing both mentally and physically. I have drank way too much alcohol since I found out and spent a lot of days drunk. I know that doesn't help, but it numbed my emotions and stopped me thinking about it all.

Christmas was filled with family and friends and we ate and drank way too much. Then there was the dreaded lull in between boxing day and new years eve - those days that you don't really know what to do with. On those days I slipped back into feeling low and sad. New Years came around and we spent it again with family and friends and we watched the New Year begin.

Today I woke up and took all of the Christmas decorations down (at the sadness and disappointment of my two young boys) and rearranged the living room. Today is the first day of a new year. There are going to be moments i am sad, there will be moments that I will remember what I lost and feel low about it all again, but I am determined to make this year count. I am back at work the end of next week and I am going to finish the photography jobs I have outstanding and start blogging more often.

I want to join a drama group and write a screenplay. I have ideas for a book I would like to write and I want to do photography jobs in other areas than weddings/photoshoots. I also want to sort out my weight and get myself fitter. Slimming world will be started again and I will go back to Zumba class. Everything and anything to keep my days filled up to help distract away from the normality of grieving. I know it is okay to feel sad after a loss but I want to feel more positive. I am never going to forget my baby, but its time to start healing.

So as of today, last year is now in the past, Christmas is over and I am living for now.